Altars to Zoos

We celebrated Sam’s second birthday a couple weeks ago. I don’t know how it happened, but it did. He’s officially two years old. We took our little zoo to the actual zoo for some birthday fun. Sam wore his lion shirt. We talked the lions up the whole way there. We saved the lions for the grand finale. We turned the corner to the lion’s area to find... a note reading, “If you can’t see me, I’m probably inside cooling off.” THIS IS REAL LIFE, LION. YOU ARE AN OUTSIDE CAT. Surprisingly, the lion cutout appeased the birthday boy, and everyone left smiling. 

Sam's birthday will always be special to me. Not only because he’s our crazy brave, crazy loved oldest son, but also because his birthday is one of those altars that causes me to remember the faithfulness of the Lord in my life. All through the Old Testament we read about God’s people building altars in places where God encountered them in a mighty way. Sometimes God himself instructed them to do so and other times his people chose to worship in that way. The purpose of these altars was always to bring glory to God for what He did in that place in their lives. The same is true for believers today. There are dates, places or objects in our around us that cause us to reflect on God’s hand in our own lives. 

One of the most significant of these altars to the Lord in my life is Sam’s birthday. He was a little less than 2 weeks old when I began to feel completely overwhelmed with the responsibility of keeping two children under two alive, much less fed, dressed and clean. I was secretly crying over the stove into a boiling pot of macaroni while my last reserves said their goodbyes and started to head home. Rob was on call at the hospital that night so my first night without extra hands was also my first night alone with not one baby but two. I remember crying - not secretly anymore - on my dad’s shoulder and saying, “I can’t take care of two of them. What if they cry at the same time?” I laugh about it now because, guess what? They did cry at the same time. And we all survived. 

That night in a survival mode prayer, I asked God if maybe He had mistakenly given me more than I could handle. Didn’t people say He wasn’t ever going to do that? Rest assured, it was no mistake. And the people who told me that were actually very wrong. He will consistently give us more than we can handle in our own strength and our own capacity. Why would we ever need Him if we could handle it all on our own? In fact, the Gospel is centered around that guarantee: we need a Savior to rescue us from our sin nature. We cannot handle that on our own. Instead of steering us around the tough stuff, God promises we’ll go right through it and He will be our strength when we are weak (2 Corinthians 2:10), our peace in times of confusion (Philippians 4:7), and that He “works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).” 

The next morning I sat down at our kitchen table, and running on approximately 4 hours of highly interrupted sleep, I decided to put God’s promises to the test. Because if He wanted to give me strength in the midst of my darkest hours, now would be a pretty darn good time. (I had a really great attitude about it, obviously.) I begged Him for strength and some semblance of energy. I journaled before I even opened the Word that morning, “Lord, I am tired. I don’t know that I am strong enough to care for 2 babies on my own. I need You. Your strength, Your love, Your guidance. You know far better than me what I need every minute of every day, so I’m begging You to supply me with it.”

I opened the Bible after that to Isaiah chapter 40 and when I got to verse 28, it started to click. 

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (28-31)

Right in front of me lay the answer to my plea. “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.” At that moment I realized that I didn’t need an outline for exactly how He planned on giving me strength. All that I needed was to trust that He would. It was weird. This acceptance of not understanding how He would supply the strength, but a total peace that I would not lack anything I needed so long as I trusted Him for it all. 

I scribbled that passage in my journal, and put these words on paper almost as quickly as I was thinking them, “My hope is in You! I’m trusting You for what I need through this day. Thank You, Lord! You are good and everlasting. Never growing tired or weak. Thank you for loving me enough to equip me for today and every day. Amen.” This encounter with the Lord changed my outlook on parenting forever. It was honestly no longer about how much I could accomplish as a mom, but now about a total dependance on the Lord for even the strength to get out of bed in the morning. Over the next weeks and months my journaling had this theme of worship like it hadn’t before. The very next week on August 14, 2013 I wrote, “Father, You have graciously blessed me with every the last few days and I am so grateful! I know it’s come from You, because I’ve been incredibly tired. But when I shift my eyes to You, Your Spirit equips me with what I need for that moment. Thank You for Your faithfulness.” 

He is faithful. His promises hold true and they are for you and for me. I’m reminded of His faithfulness to me every day, but the beginning of August will always bring sweet memories of learning to walk in complete dependance on the Lord. It’s one of my many altars of remembrance of the Lord’s grace in my life, and it’s purpose is to bring glory and honor to Him. (Trust me… there is not a single other reason I would share pages from my prayer journal.) 

God knew He had to teach me that lesson early on in the "parenting multiples" game because He knew what was in store 15 months later. And the 3 under 3 life would call for that whole "grace upon grace" promise to be fulfilled. I love my family, and I really love Jesus for giving me the freedom to enjoy them in the midst of chaos and managing our own tiny zoo.

Freedom in Failure

Sixteen days from now, Rob and I are participating in a triathlon. I am clearly not a real triathlete because I never know how to say that. You don't "run" a triathlon. Do you "do" a triathlon? That seems too broad. To say that I will 'finish" a triathlon is a little presumptuous on my part. Trust. Me. Yes, the goal is to finish, but I'm fully prepared to hitch a ride on the back of the photographer's kayak during the swim if needed. So, I've settled on "participating." These are the things I think about while swimming. Maybe if I focused more on how the heck to breathe while I swim, I wouldn't look like a duck trying to dodge a swarm of bees. Are ducks even scared of bees? Anyway... it's not pretty. 

If you know me, you're as shocked as I am that I've actually committed to this thing. I don't exercise. In college I had to take a P.E. class for my elementary education major. I was too sore to walk the day after we had to lunge across the playground with the second graders. A few years later I threw my back out playing a (very competitive) Wii bowling game. Later that year I pulled a muscle during a really good attempt at pilates. My doctor prescribed muscle relaxers, rest, and of course, no more pilates. 

Rob is not like me in this. He's a stud. And he's always up for a challenge. Two of his life goals are to run a full marathon (he's already barely finished a half) and to complete a triathlon. Two of mine are to allow him to run races and to cheer him on from the sidelines. Kidding. Sort of. 

So how did I end up here, registered for a sprint triathlon in the middle of June? Basically, I'm crazy. And I also really love my husband. It's not that I haven't wanted to do things he enjoys before now. It's been more about my heart. I don't like doing things with a very high chance of failure ahead of me. Success is so much better than failure, until it becomes more about the success than the journey. I chose to start something at which I knew I would be terrible. Where I would fall on my face a thousand times -literally once or twice- and then get up to take the very next step. 

It is incredibly freeing to do something that's outside your own strength. I am all about finding your gifts, strengths, and talents and then operating in those. It's the sweet spot. That's where ministry and life flourish because God has gifted each of us in completely unique ways. I believe with all my heart He created you to glorify Him using the gifts He gave you. However, when you act in your weaknesses, He is strong. He proves to be faithful when you are on your last leg. He breathes life into my weary body when I would rather jump off the bike. 

Y'all, He is so glorified in our weakness! If we could wrap our heads around that truth, then our lives wouldn't have to be about the successes or the failures. As long as you are in Christ, you are free to enjoy the journey without any concern about the outcome.

Now I do hope the outcome of this is not me crossing the finish line on a stretcher. If that happens, I'm moving on to my own life goals of owning a coffee shop and taking the fam to Disney World.