So, yeah, I’m scared. And the more I think about the impending pain and hurt that would follow a bad report tomorrow, the more fearful I become. I’m terrified that this little one’s heart will not be beating. Afraid of what my reaction will be. The thought of having to share the news of yet another loss makes me want to hide away.
Yet when I think back on our previous losses, I can’t ignore God’s presence. Before I even knew I was pregnant in January, he asked me to trust him. He knew what was to come. He knew we would lose two precious babies in three short months. And he prepared my heart to trust him like I never have before. I will always be incredibly grateful for the way he’s shown us grace throughout this painful battle.
So, yeah, I’m thankful. Crazy thankful for this life that’s tucked away safely inside of me now. Thankful for whatever awaits me in that ultrasound room tomorrow. Yes it’s the room where we’ve had a few dark — really dark — moments recently, but it’s also the room where we saw our first three babies’ hearts beat for the first time. It’s the room where we cried happy tears every time we heard the words, “It’s a girl,” or “It’s a boy,” for our daughter and two sons. I was never promised that I would carry one child, much less the gift of six different lives. That is God’s grace in my life, and I’m thankful for each of them. Three I carried full term. Two I carried only for a few weeks. But according to Psalm 139, every single one of those days were ordained for our babies. As much as I would love to add months and years to their lives, there’s freedom in knowing that they belong to God first.
Will I carry this baby full term? Only the Creator knows the answer to that. But we are praying big and bold for this little life. We are praying that God will do “immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.” Praying that we’ll bring this baby home with us. Praying for great, gracious joy through this baby’s life.
Since my very first pregnancy, I’ve read Psalm 139 from a totally different perspective. I can’t help but read it from the viewpoint of a baby still in his mother’s womb:
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:13-16
When I shift my focus to the One who ultimately made these precious children, I’m able to let go of the fear of their futures. Especially tomorrow. We have so many people praying big and bold for this baby. I know God is the sustainer of all life and he his holding this one in his hands. There’s no doubt in my mind that he could give us a healthy, full term pregnancy. I believe he can bring this baby into our arms and our home.
But if not, he is still good. We will not stop praising him. He is always good. And he loves me.
